As I write to share I am also writing to release emotions and feel. March is here and like clockwork the numbness has begun. This is the month my mom and I experienced forgiveness. March 20 2014 to be exact. April 2nd is the day she actually passed. For some reason I decided to look back at the texts between me and my mom. Yes I still have them. First I texted her phone “mom” and it went thru at first and then was undeliverable.
I then proceeded to look back at our conversations. Do you know what I read? I read so much love, so many times she just wanted me to know she loved and cared for me. I immediately felt like she may have been trying to let me know….things were soon to change. I started to feel low inside. Filled with guilt and anger towards myself because I could have been more present to receive the love my mother was persistently expressing.
I felt so low. I felt so sorry to my mom. Sorry for being distracted. I started to feel that this was showing up presently in my life. My friends and loved ones distracted….. I felt so low. Then my friend Zhiggy/Lus called me. He knows me and my mom. My mom loved Lus.
I could never reiterate what he said because it was so divine, but all I will say is I felt my mom letting me know that those msgs I read is a reminder…. a consistent reminder of how much I am loved and valued by my one and only mother. So I could continue to see the msgs as guilt or as they were intended. To remind me how much I am loved and cherished even from the world beyond.
That phone call also made me think of how similar me and my mom are. She lost her mom too. So if I don’t think my mom understands how I feel I am completely wrong. My mom’s mom passed when she was 16 years old. I can only imagine how painful that was for my mom. Did she feel my grandmother around after she passed?Then that makes me think wow I have my angel grandma too.
I had to release this. I feel sooooooooo happy inside that I have those messages and soooooo grateful my mom is who she is. I have the best mom in the universe.