Hiding has become my go to space to protect myself from everything and everyone. I started to do the healing on my hiding ever since 7 years old. See back when I was 6 years old and the abuse started I immediately felt if I hid in layers of clothing and stayed quiet I could almost disappear or become invisible.
Just recently I’ve began the healing with that set of hiding. Truly recognizing my God given beauty and gifts. So when I sat with a friend just 4 days after the new year, after facing an ordeal where he almost died, he stopped mid-sentence to ask “Jai why do you hide?”
I wasn’t bundled up in layers of clothing nor was I avoiding anything energetically. It was like God used him in that moment to help me become aware of some other hiding I was doing. I thought about what he said and the energy behind that question. It didn’t feel like the other times I was told I was hiding. I brushed it off and he finished his story.
The next day I spoke with an incredible artist I work with and he told me that in his dream, his friend asked him why does Jai hide? I was like whoaaaa where is all of this coming from? I thought about it and realized that what I have been praying for is to unlock this lock on my ability to live fully in purpose. I felt this had something to do with it all. I feel like I’m hiding from my future.
I thought back to when I was 2 years old and was told my father was coming to visit me. He had visitation rights because my mom and him broke up. I remember feeling mixed emotions. Because they were breaking up and it was fresh, I heard loads of not so nice comments about my father. I also heard things like “you look just like your father and you are just like him. I heard he was going crazy, possessive, and jealous.” I didn’t know what those words meant but the energy behind it didn’t feel good at all. I also heard how much he adored me and my mom. All these messages within a 2 year old child caused major confusion. Was I suppose to love or hate my father?
When I would hear he was coming I would feel fear and tremendous excitement. I loved what I saw and felt when I saw my dad. But The messages I heard and experienced (my father had visitation rights but why did it have to be in my house supervised like this?) affected me in a way that I was afraid to receive the love and was confused because the energy I felt didn’t match the messages I heard. That confusion affected me big time. I started to fear my father. Instead of just fearing the labels I was told. I feared the man who created me.
This same feeling was the feeling I felt about my future. You hear so many things, loved ones intending to protect, speak things over you in regards to your future that they may have experienced elements in their past. “Be careful of this person, you shouldn’t do this and do this. You may not be able to handle this and grow up to grown business.” I know it is all From a good place however it produced a fear within of moving forward with what I wanted. Can I handle it?
However I realized it was the same feeling. I was still hiding but another part of me I wasn’t aware of it until that moment. It’s weird I didn’t even remember and think my future and the ability to move forward had something to do with my feelings towards my dad.
This makes me think of God and how good he/she is. Always there to hold your hand and work through loved ones to get messages to you. I needed to face that 2 year old. I needed to face my father now. I needed to embrace the other part of me. My father. My dad. My daddy. Wow never said those words before! Feels good. I feel safe. I feel complete. I feel a new.