April 2, 2014 was a day I will never forget. It’s the day I lost my mother and the day of my new conception. I was lost, but new and had to relearn everything I thought I had learned already.
I had to learn how to love myself again, I also had to learn to be in the world alone without the person who unconditionally loved me. It’s really tough to find unconditional love. It was like being pushed on a stadium stage forced to perform with all your flaws on the outside.
If I be me, will they still love me the same? Can I still be loved if I’m not perfect? I kept within a cycle that inconsistently guaranteed me to be attended to. Might not have been the best attention but somehow it let me know that I wasn’t alone and the loss of my mother wasn’t the end of the world. So I dealt with things and treatment from others because I felt I had no choice. If I speak up and go against what my earthly providers believe I would be disowned. Not loved anymore or judged heavily.
So I continued to live within the cycle of not being the true me. I fell in love and slowly let my walls down and allowed the true me to peek thru. Received a lot of resistance. So I continued to feel not good enough to be the true me. I heard youre weird, you need to dress different, you need to talk, stop being so quiet, why do you feel more comfortable around younger people, be your age, etc etc
I just didn’t know how to be me and be accepted by the people I love. Then instantly like in the blink of the eye I started to feel different. I started to smoke cannabis more heavily and escape in my mind. I wasn’t anxious as much. Anxiety is overthinking the future.
I reread my book Healed with Style and Grace and completed my practices I have inside again. I needed to be in the moment so I could allow God to speak. I needed to connect to my higher self and my source to receive clarity with who I truly am. I had to practice being in the moment to experience the real gift. I was so caught up my future desires and upset about events of the past. But in order to just be I needed to take everything one moment at a time
Everything happens for a reason. An amazing reason. If I saw it that way. The purpose of it all was to return back to me. My true self with no conditions. I needed to be rebuilt with the essence of me. I’ve been adopting how I should be from others who I felt was loved by everyone.
It’s sooooo tough to stop something you’ve been doing your whole life. Giving, helping, building. For others. My motivation being the love flowing within. I did always hope I would be loved in return.
Now I’m learning my gifts. What I bring to the table. I’m learning to love me completely and consistently. I’m learning that I am enough…..more than enough. I have so much love inside of me.
My brother Reem said something to me on Father’s Day. His day. But somehow I felt like he gave me a gift. He said “when you giving away all your stuff to ppl who just takes, remember there’s a whole line of ppl wanting what you giving. And want to give back.” This resonated with me. I needed to recognize my beauty and gifts to the world.