I always thought if I was everything others wanted everyone would be happy and inturn maybe a little could be reciprocated. That expectation is too much energy placed on hypotheticals. I thought I was good at making others happy. Even if I didn’t feel equally good at the end. That wasn’t my focus because if others were happy I was happy.
I disliked seeing others upset or sad. I know…. how could I possibly think I had some control over that. That really weighed down on me and if the person around feeling that way, I would tend to think I caused the sadness. I know crazy right? But I was conditioned this way. Never wanted my mom to be sad and I would do whatever it took to prevent my mom from crying. Even if that meant not speaking how I felt or worst enduring abuse.
Fast forward to now, I have developed a more broader perspective regarding satisfying humans. It’s not physically possible. So I’m doing my work on me. Focused on mastering me and all the flaws I have. I want to be better. Now I understand that I have to be good first. It’s like what they tell you on a airplane- “put your mask on first then put the mask on your loved one.” You have to be good first so you are good to assist. You can’t give from an empty tank. God wants us full. Self-love!
I now feel faithful about things. I know God is with me so my worries have decreased. I also feel internally I am closer to my authentic self. I am starting to identify how I feel and how I want to feel. And guess what I’m speaking now. Things are changing, with my voice there’s a different response. Do my friends still like me? Will someone still be there? Will you still love me? I really have/had a hard time with this. When I was quiet others weren’t happy and now I’m speaking and there’s discord.
This creates a feeling inside like id rather disappear, become invisible, or move far away where there’s others like me. I just don’t fit inside of these boxes that I once did. Is it wrong to grow? Should I digress? I don’t know.
Then a friend who also experienced loss of a parent, said this to me
“You’re evolving and the people who are suppose to be around will come around. Maybe you have to learn to be comfortable with the changed you before God can bring the right people around who can handle the “You” that you’ve become and becoming”
Really deep. It’s so tough because I love the people around me so much and don’t want anyone else to leave. But I trust God completely and know God hears my heart. I’m here because of God and I’m here to serve.
I have to keep going in the direction of mastering self. Can’t turn back now. I’m here for a purpose and I think my purpose is bigger than me attempting to keep others happy physically. I have to “be” too. And I have to trust that by being me, my loved ones will still love me.
One moment at a time ❤️
Thank you for the space to share