A lot has happened within this past week. I prayed for the strength and the lessons to be revealed. I want to always follow how I feel and recognize what is being asked of me in the direction of growth. 
I’m not perfect. I will admit I really thought I had to be perfect and “right” in order to receive the love I wanted. I lied to protect myself from judgement, I withheld to protect my feelings and the feelings of others, I didn’t want to be anything less than “perfect.” 

I had/have to let this all of this go. It’s too heavy of a burden to carry. I’ve always made decisions regarding self with other people’s feelings in mind first. That’s what I learned early on. 

And if I’m trying to close the gap of me to Me, then how I truly feel and me being ok with where I am is how I will close the gap. As soon as I add anyone to me becoming Me I stop my process. 

I want to close the gap between me and Me. In order to do that I have to focus on being the full me moment by moment. Closing out the world and navigated by how I feel. And in staying true to that because the outside will adjust and will be just fine. And still love me. 

I have begun my journey of focus, on my healing. I never really healed since that fearful day on April 02, 2014. I had to just push on and be strong and not break. And I’m grateful I had the strength to keep going. I don’t know how I could have done it without everyone in my life. 

Every time I fell into my dark place I would just blame it on missing my mom. I mean I did miss her, however I have always had these moments of feeling not good enough. I feel this way. So a lot of my situations would show up in life triggering these feelings for me. For a long time I held this in about me. I never let anyone get that close to know it. 

I hated this about me. If you knew this about me and the depths of it, you were close. And how you handled this information told me how you felt about me. It showed me who could handle all of me. Remember I hated this about me. 

It’s coming out now. All my true feelings and feelings about self and how I feel about my mom not being here is coming out. I’m dealing with it all. I always felt that if I helped and loved ppl wholeheartedly I didn’t have to be honest about my darkness. I never wanted to scare anyone away. I mean my mother had to love me but I always felt that if I was truly me whether it was talkative, honest with my feelings, emotional, etc I wouldn’t be loved as much. 

And yes I was taught to keep secrets. Lie about how I truly feel because “people do not need to know everything and don’t be a burden to people.  Be invisible, don’t wear out your welcome.” All the things I had to remember when dealing with anyone. I could never just be me. 

I have to throw all those conditions I place on myself out of the window. Actually light it all with a match and burn it to dust. Cause that’s what it is, dusty old things that do not work and will not get me closer to Me. I have to be gentle with me during this process too. It’s like I had major reconstructive surgery after not healing from that emotional gunshot wound to my heart ❤️ in 2014. 

It’s time to heal. Get closer to Me. Start being ok with me and all aspects of Me. Start seeing me in my fullness. And it’s ok if I fall short because the only physical person that is affected is me. I’m not causing discord as I once felt I did in my household. It’s ok Jai. I love You Jai. 

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