Can I be honest? 

I didn’t want to live anymore….

I thought about leaving this world. I started to feel like I had lived and accomplished all my soul came here to experience. I have given all of myself, purely to all, I’ve created some amazing art, i wrote an amazing book and reversed the karma of the past… I was starting to feel like I’ve completed my journey. I even started thinking of how to tell my loved ones where important possessions of mines so they could recover it once Ive disappeared from earth.

Then I meditated and did a Lil yoga this morning. While on my yoga mat in prayer “my higher self” appeared sitting across from me!!! I had experienced “my higher self” in a session with my spiritual advisor Nicola, however here she was again. My eyes were closed the entire time.

(Through meditation there’s a lot that is experienced. When I say my higher self appeared, it’s like a feeling comes over you like how a persons energy can introduce them before they even enter a room, that’s what it feels like. Then I guess using 3rd eye the vision appears within)

Ok back to this realization, “My higher self” looks like me however more at peace and a sense of calm. She also favors the amazing Erykah Badu. (I know this sounds weird but hey But we’ve seen weirder)  My higher self has long straight hair down to my butt with a part down the middle. She is peaceful, in tuned, she’s knows what she’s here to do.

She sat across from me on my purple yoga mat and said……(the words came into my heart and between my ears)  “you feel like not being here when you are not close to me…. when ever you stray from alignment with me, your true self, your higher self…. it’s like death. ”

I immediately remember when kanye west said to kim kardashian and Bruce Jenner when he transitioned, that the inability to be self freely is like suffocation.

I can not let anything, no ego, no person stop me or allow me to feel any less than the soul God created me to be. So there was a death. Death of that person I created in the past to survive and co-exist in the world. I am ready to be the person I am now. That person is in a new space. Filled with love, authenticity, expansion of the mind, creativity, music, all forms of spiritual growth, reading, writing, JOY.

A friend of mines said to me today, it’s all about how I feel. He just experienced seeing his cousin for the last time. He continued to say “it’s not even about what we see anymore, it’s all about how we feel. I’m going to always find a comfortable space wherever I am, because I have to be able to know how I feel at all times.”

So what I took from all these messages and emotions, is to always stay close to the authentic me whenever I get too far away from me, how i feel will definitely tell me. Also if you look at contrast as a positive thing, because it’s the only real way to know what you want and feel, it won’t show up in life not so detrimental. It will become one of those things like “bye what I don’t want, hi what I do!”

I want to be here and I’m not going anywhere anytime soon. The old Jai who didn’t know why she was here died with those old beliefs and lack of self love.

I thank you for this platform to be honest and not judged. We are all on our paths trying to figure this thing called life out. I’m grateful of where I am and wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Love ❤️

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